Members of the Food and Drug Administration, along with members of the scientific community, have concluded that the main ingredient in Ramen Noodles is not to be found anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
"Not only is it not anywhere on the periodic table," said Dr. Gotlieb, a middle school chemistry teacher and discoverer of the unknown element. "It's nowhere fucking near it!"
The element known as Ramenonucleosynthetic (pronounced Ramen-o-nucleo-synth-etic) was discovered the hard way. "I was in a hurry and decided to eat some of my son's Ramen Noodles (roasted chicken flavor), and a few hours later, I was on the toilet in agony."
The symptoms Gotlieb described should be of no surprise to anyone who has eaten Ramen, but Gotlieb continued. "What came out of me was nothing I had ever experienced. It wasn't a solid, it wasn't a liquid, and it certainly wasn't a gas. I-I think I shit plasma."
With Gotlieb's interest piqued, he went back to the Ramen ingredients list on the package and called up some friends, none of which could properly identify or place the mystery ingredient.
"I had no idea what I was about to unfurl," Gotlieb reported.
The mystery went through the proper channels of scientific discovery, and it has been concluded that Ramenonucleosynthetic should be added to the periodic table. A discovery such as this has not occurred since the discovery of plutonium in the mid 20th century!
The idea of a food ingredient being added to the periodic table has been mentioned before, such as the "7-11 Hot Dog Mystery" back in '96, but it was concluded that what people were tasting was actually Duck-Billed Platypus barf.
The Ramen Noodle distributors of America could not be reached for comment, since nobody really knows where Ramen comes from; just that it magically appears in bulk on shelves for about 29 cents a pack.
"I think the element should be placed near the Actinide Series on the bottom right corner, but not actually touching any of the other elements," said Dr. Robinson, chief proprietor of Elemental Studies at Stanford. "We've only scratched the surface of the possibilities of this discovery, and we're going to have to go through a lot of toilets in order to pin down the elemental structure of this beast."
