New Labour Reloaded

Funny story written by John Cavanagh

Monday, 11 April 2005

image for New Labour Reloaded
A gritty determination.

After a number of false starts, and in order to be in "fighting shape" for the real contest that will take place on May 5, New Labour is understood to have patched up all of its remaining internal divisions. Refreshingly, it now seems clear that political heavyweights, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, have "healed" their once soured relationship; and are convinced they will "vanquish" the revitalised Tories.

Tony Blair said: "Gordon Brown and I are totally comfortable about where we are at this time; and we understand that when we act together, we will defeat the Tories. We don't have to be overly chummy or anything of that sort, but we do need to display a gritty determination to put down our mutual political enemies, the Tories."

BBC News political editor Andrew Marr believes that although the polls are "definitely tightening up now"; all the "wise old political pundits around Westminster" are still predicting "a solid victory" for New Labour. "The Tories are attempting to win from a long way back. This may be admirable on their part, but unfortunately they fail to realise just how unpalatable their political party is to the
UK electorate."

Marr said: "To almost everyone I know, the Tories are like the highway robbers of old. Their name is even derived from the Gaelic word, toraidgh, meaning robber or highwayman. Although, of course, "Tories" is not their real name; and I do acknowledge that they have recently asked all the media not to refer to them by anything but their actual name, the word 'Tory' still, in my view, fits them more appropriately than anything else. After all they are a bunch of remorseless, gutless highwaymen. God knows, if they ever got in, they'd surely rob us blind."

"In any case, the BBC will simply not be dictated to in such a manner. Everyone knows we enjoy, and deserve, complete editorial independence. Although it may be true that the British people fund our operations, the only requirement placed upon us is that we strictly follow the existing producer guidelines concerning objectivity and impartiality. Thankfully, the only people that enforce those guidelines are us. And that, of course, is the way it should be."

UK Prime Minister Tony Blair insists that: "New Labour is the only political party capable of widening still further the opportunities available to all paid-up members of New Labour, and their immediate friends. Some other friends of those who are close to these friends will also be provided with additional opportunities, but this type of assistance should stop at about four degrees of separation."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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