Labour General Election 2005 Manifesto

Funny story written by Jonizz

Monday, 14 February 2005

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In the first week following election, the Labour Party will pass laws making it illegal in all future elections to vote for any party other than Labour.
Those found not to have voted Labour will be subject to an extension of the Mental Health Act and will be sectioned.
The population of the Isle of Wight will be relocated to make way for new treatment centres for people sectioned under the amended Mental Health Act which will, for the sake of the inmates safety be highly secure, heavily fortified and secured by armed guards using watch towers and searchlights.
Exercise in the treatment centres will be allowed, but no vaulting horses, obviously.
Those inmates who are smokers and/or foxhunters will require Special Treatment to cure them of their exceptional illness and this will be administered using specially built structures, which will be airtight so that the ‘medicine’ doesn’t escape and pollute the environment.
Other parties will be allowed to stand for election, but anyone who does will be removed to the Isle of Wight once the Labour Party has won said election.

The reform of the House of Lords will be completed. Anyone not appointed by the current Prime Minister, or who has ever voted against any previous Government legislation will be removed to the Isle of Wight and replaced by anyone the Prime Minister went to school or university with that he liked or did him favours.

The next Labour Government will ensure that taxpayers get value for money by introducing economies in some of the costs of funding Government. To this end, there will be no more enquiries into Government activities, since we already know in advance that we will be completely exonerated.

To make it easier, fairer and clearer for everyone, Income Tax and business taxes will be levied at 100%. The Labour Party also pledges that, once the new rate has been levied, there will never again be a change in the rate under Labour Governments.
The next Labour Government will introduce schemes whereby it will pay monthly grants to everyone which will be means tested to ensure that the Government can properly decide how much each person needs to live on, and what the Government deems suitable uses of that money.

Foreign Affairs
The next Labour Government will continue to enthusiastically pursue the spread of democracy and freedom throughout the world. Those countries that are deemed to be undemocratic, dictatorial or just merely unpleasant or offend the Prime Minister will be invaded under any pretext that the Government considers appropriate. These measures will not apply to Zimbabwe obviously.

In future the Government will not be required to justify a decision to go to war. If the Prime Minister feels that it is necessary to send troops anywhere, then that will be deemed sufficient.
Anyone protesting against such steps will be deemed unpatriotic (a medical condition which will be added to the extension of the Mental Health Act) and that person sent to the Isle of Wight for Special Treatment.

The Government will continue to seek to be at the ‘heart of Europe’ which it will achieve by insisting that the European Union passes directives ensuring that all member states implement the same laws and means of governance that are followed in Britain.
The European Parliament will then be instructed to vote to appoint the British Prime Minister as President of Europe with full executive powers.

The next Labour Government will then move to have the United Nations abolished in its present form and seek to have it replaced by a body rather like the European Union.

The Ministry of Defence will be absorbed by the Foreign Office and the command of the Armed and Security Services placed under the personal authority of the Prime Minister.

Education, Education, Education and Social Welfare
The next Labour Government will introduce schemes to ensure a steadily and measured growth of population. In order to ensure universality of learning, private and grammar schools will be abolished and all children will be sent to special Government educational facilities at age two. Here they will receive the best education that the next Labour Government considers suitable.
Once they have 10 GCSE passes, 5 A* A levels and a 2:1 degree in “The History of the New Labour Project” they will be returned to their parents and then allocated a job by the Department of Trade and Industry (see below).
Any child not able to attain the above qualifications will be recruited into the armed forces. Those unable to pass into the armed services for either physical or mental reasons will be sent to the Isle of Wight for Special Treatment.

Transport, Agriculture and Environment
Farming will finally be abolished and all citizens currently living in the countryside will be required to move to the cities where they will be trained to work in the media, advertising, law, the security services or as campaign managers for the Labour Party.

The remaining countryside will be divided between Ministers and Secretaries of State who will personally oversee the welfare of the land at weekends. Obviously they will require suitable accommodation for this task and these will be designed by Lord Foster with a special remit to ensure that should the Ministers or Secretaries of State find themselves entertaining foreign or domestic royalty, the Sultan of Brunei or Roman Abramovich for instance, then the guest must be made to feel as if he or she were in their one of their own homes.

In order to meet emission targets, all forms of private motorised transport will confiscated by the Government and all journeys within the city in which the person lives must be by public transport which will be administered by the Government and which WILL run on time.

Law, Order and Security
In order to combat terrorism, it will become necessary for all people travelling between cities to apply for and be issued with a pass and a Government pool car for each individual journey. Cameras set at half-mile intervals will, for the safety of the population, ensure that there is no deviation in the directions issued by the Government.
For the safety and security of the country, the following measures will be implemented:
Cameras will be installed in every room in every home to deter burglars and terrorists.
CCTV will cover every street in every city 24 hours a day to deter criminals and terrorists.
Identity cards will be issued to all citizens, which must be worn around the neck at all times. The card must be swiped whenever the citizen wishes to enter a building, a street or upon boarding or disembarking from public transport.
The wearing of hoods will be banned to deter criminals and terrorists.
Any woman may at any time be required to make herself available for the Home Secretary’s use at any time.

Immigration will be confined only to Britons currently living abroad who will be required to return at once.
Emigration will be banned. To help enforce this and to provide an instance of joined up Government, the Home Office will help the Environment Office meet its emissions targets as well as deter terrorists by banning aircraft, with the exception of those aircraft that it may be necessary for Ministers to use to travel around the country.
To deter terrorists and criminals, any aircraft not being used for official Government business will be shot down and any survivors will go to the Isle of Wight for Special Treatment.

A report will be commissioned which will show that the smell of tobacco smoke on clothes and the hair is a cause of secondary cancers. In order to protect the health of the public and make them aware of the dangers, smokers will be required to wear a yellow armband on their left arm at all times in public places so that non-smokers may take steps to protect themselves.
Spitting on, kicking or punching someone wearing a smoker’s armband will not be a criminal offence. Any smoker who complains to a policeman may well find himself getting an extra slap and a face full of pepper spray for being cheeky.
Smokers will be given 1 parliamentary term to kick the habit, during which time they will be housed in specially set aside areas of their cities to be known as “Government Health Education Tobacco Termination Observatory” (GHETTO) areas and any that failure to give up after this time and are subsequently caught in possession of tobacco products will be sent to the Isle of Wight for Special Treatment
Cannabis and heroin smokers will naturally be exempt.

The sale of alcoholic products will be by machine only. Any premises involved in the sale of alcohol will have a special ID card swipe machine installed connected to a central database which will monitor the intake and location of each person each day. Drinks dispensing machines will not work once the limit has been exceeded.
In special circumstance such as weddings, a person will be able to apply for a permit to be allowed double the normal limit for that day only.

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) will be a target for elimination by the next Labour administration. Anyone contracting am STD will be sent for treatment and education at a special “Care, Love And Play” (CLAP) clinic on the Isle of Wight. Those requiring treatment on more than three occasions will undergo Special Treatment on the fourth occasion. Government ministers, especially the Home Secretary, are except from this measure.

Social Security
The department of Social Security will have its main function changed. Since the Government will decide how much money each person needs, everyone will be deemed to be on Benefit and the Department will monitor and control the spending and decide what will be in Society’s interest to use the money on.

The Department of Trade and Industry will manage the national output and assign each person to a job in conjunction with the Education department and recommend how much work each person should achieve each day.
These will only be recommendations, but those not exceeding them by 25% at least once a week will be confined to the Isle of Wight for educational sessions on the importance of State productivity.
The age of retirement will be abolished. When a person is no longer capable of work, he or she will be sent to specially built rest homes on the Isle of Wight.

All sport is to come under the direct control of the Government, which will establish state of the art training facilities and seek to use sport as a beacon to promote the astonishing success of Britain under the Labour Party in every field of endeavour, thus encouraging other countries to adopt our way of doing things.

Football will continue to be encouraged as a past time, though all matches will be drawn, and the actual score will be decided on a rotating basis by a member of the Cabinet to make sure no one is left feeling hurt and let down by supporting a losing side.

Rugby and cricket will be abolished as the Government feels they are more likely to attract ‘toffs’ and present an elitist image of grammar and private education.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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