Written by snoz bunsen

Friday, 3 December 2004

image for David And Go-lieth
David Blunkett:

Visually challenged Home Secretary David Blunkett this week stands accused of pulling the wool over the eyes of the electorate, while the labour government coincidentally announces plans for the introduction of mandatory ID cards for all British citizens.

In what has been described by ex-politician Jo Moore as, "old school politics", it seems that the Government, ever so discreetly while at the same time blatantly has yet again chosen, "a good day to bury bad news."

In this latest piece of advised politics (at the last count, elected Prime Minister Blair had 23 unelected advisors) it seems that the Labour incumbent chose this particular week to announce their plans to launch a public enquiry into the Home Secretary's alleged involvement in the hurried processing of an ex-mistress' nanny's visa application.
In a strange twist of fate, this announcement came the day before the Prime Minister's monthly ego massage, or ‘press conference' in the backyard of 10 Downing Street. During his uni-monthly clambake, Prime Minister Blair stated that he had absolute faith in Mr. Blunkett and would stand behind him resolutely, although conceded he might have to think twice before standing in front of him without protection.

Critics of the Government today agreed that they would not raise issue with the slightly timeous nature of this week's revelations and instead will completely disregard the fact that on the very same day Mr. Blunkett announced that he believes there should be a public enquiry into his romantic conduct, he also announced plans for mandatory ID cards with a penalty of £2,500 for those who fail to sign up for one. "It's totally amazing," stated Chortle McLunchbox, Labour party spokesman, "Never for a second did I think we'd get away with this.

"Essentially, we have announced the mandatory introduction of ID cards that are going to cost the man on the street about £80 a year each to produce. On top of this, we will charge around £2,500 if you fail to buy one. The processing machines alone will cost the taxpayer £3 billion. It really is absolutely crazy. On top of this, we will make it compulsory to have one so if you are say, 94 years old, have never left the country and have no intention of ever doing so, we'll make you buy a new passport with a mandatory ID card attached and will bust your ass if you refuse to pay," McLunchbox explained.
"If you cannot afford to pay, there will be concessions, so the many thousand ‘whimpering welfarers' who should be most affected by this legislation will, of course, have their fees met by the taxpayer. It really is a brilliant piece of politics."
McLunchbox added, "To be honest, I always thought it a waste, paying all this money for a load of spin doctors and non-politicians to run the country but I tell you, ever since we first decided to re-invade Iraq, these guys have come up trumps, they really have. Funnily enough, they don't come up with ideas any more outrageous than our own but they have a great way of convincing us that in general, the public really are extremely bloody stupid and will swallow anything that doesn't interfere with their Coronation Street. I am yet to be proven wrong." McLunchbox went on (and on, and on), "Put it this way, we all know Blunkett will survive. Primarily, we have a political hot potato in the whole illegal immigrant aspect of his visa application interference, but at the end of the day, he will survive this because the public will always support the disabled guy getting his leg over and ultimately, the ID card thing will go through, with joe public being none the wiser. Bloody Halfwits."

At the last analysis, the human race were given at best, a 50:50 chance of surviving until the end of the 21st century -by none other than Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees, also Master of Trinity College Cambridge. Sir Martin told this publication, "I've never watched Coronation Street in my life, although I don't really think that analogy works particularly well anyway. I mean, those who watch Coronation Street cannot be branded en masse as being non-contributory by way of championing some (or any for that matter) working class stereotype although in fairness, I'm sure the writers can. Have you seen Eastenders lately? Bloody awful."

As we went to press, it was announced that Mr. Blunkett may yet pursue paternity rites over his alleged son and also his as yet alleged unborn child. A High Court judge agreed that it was in the best interests of those one and a half children to be thrust into this countrywide media frenzy (an article raising obvious health concerns for both the mother and unborn child at the centre of this fiasco was today ruled to be not in the public interest).

A spokesman for Fathers For Justice today said, "We naturally hope that this thing works out in Mr. Blunkett's favour. At the end of the day, publicity centering on a Home Secretary and his guide dog scaling the gates of Buckingham Palace, dressed as Batman and Robin is publicity we can do without."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Government, Labour

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