Lip reading experts worldwide are united in declaring Australia the clear World Cup leader in swearing. One particularly brilliant 'FUCK OFF' from an Australian attacker, when adjudged offside, is headed for a special prize - a miniature kangaroo.
Fathers throughout the world have met challenges from their aspiring children to match the Australian example. Mickey Rooney, England's diminutive forward, complained that cameras had not been directed at him when he uttered outstanding expletives.
Referees and assistant referees, not versed in the art of lip reading, have not noticed the swearing due to the loud continuous noise in the stadium caused by horny blowers. Less explicable is their oversight at blatant shirt tugging of players in the penalty area. But one referee pleaded 'You can't stop that or we would have penalties every five minutes.'
A special dispensation from the organisers of the Eurovision Song Contest has allowed South Africa's late entry into this year's contest. However as South Africans cannot vote for their own popular tune, it is thought Britain might be relieved of bottom place in the competition.
Suggestions that horny blowers might be coming to Britain have brought an astonished reaction. Ninety nine year old Albert Windsor, declared from his Hospice bed : 'I shall never see a live match again if those Zulus who we beat in the Boer War are allowed into this country!'
The FA have yet to decide on whether English Premier League games will allow horny blowers into their grounds. But TV companies are thought to be uneasy about a possible fall in audience figures for televised matches and the Professional Footballers Association are known to be worried about a reduction of crowd sizes at matches because the horns are not universally popular.
Your football correspondent, who once likened the horns to buzzing bees, has been asked to apologise to the World Cup because of this mistake. You will already know my response: 'BUZZ OFF'