David Cameron Invites Charles Bronson To Join Coalition

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 14 June 2010


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Bronson thinking the proposal over today

In what's probably the most surprising move so far in David Cameron's fledgling coalition government, the Conservative leader has extended an invitation to renowned criminal and long-term inmate at Her Majesty's Pleasure, Charles Bronson, to become a member of the unit.

Bronson, real name, Michael Peterson, was imprisoned in 1974 for robbery, and sentenced to seven years. Whilst in prison, he made a name for himself as a nutter, often fighting inmates and prison guards.

A nuisance, Bronson was moved 120 times to various prisons, spending most of his time in solitary confinement, his original 7-year term becoming a 14-year sentence. He was eventually released in 1988, but spent only 69 days free before being arrested again.

He married his second wife, Bangladeshi-born Fatema Saira Rehman, whilst banged-up in 2001, and converted to Islam. This 'marriage' lasted only 4 years, however, after which the couple divorced, with Bronson renouncing Islam as 'bullshit'.

Known as one of the hardest criminals in England, Bronson would obviously bring a hitherto-unseen aspect to British politics, and Mr Cameron outlined the role he would like Mr Bronson to undertake when he said yesterday:

"He's a bit of a loose cannon, and I firmly believe in putting the British people to work at whatever they do best. I would like Mr Bronson to take Nick Clegg somewhere quiet, and to batter ten barrels of shit out of him."

I would like to make it clear that Charles Bronson is not related to the Mr Bronson who, between 1985 and 1989, was the bespectacled French teacher at Grange Hill Comprehensive School. He doesn't even look like him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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