Written by dimothy

Friday, 4 June 2010

image for Derrick Bird Killings "Weren't Random" Say Police
Cumbrian Roulette...

Police today confirmed that Cumbria gun killer Derrick Bird in fact selected his victims "with care". Bird, who is said to be resting this weekend after a draining day on Wednesday, apparently sent out a questionnaire to prospective victims the week before the killings.

Police have refused to reveal the exact format of the document but one source within the enquiry described it as a "cereal-packet" type quiz, with 10 questions and an: "I don't want to be shot next week because..." tie-breaker at the end.

Those scoring less than 6/10 were added to the hit-list along with others against whom Bird held a grudge.

Two other locals on the target list, Marjorie Rawlinson and James Dipper were on holiday at the time of the killings and have expressed themselces: "lucky to be alive". Rawlinson was apparently targeted because in 1997 she had failed to pass Bird a salt cellar in a local tearoom, while Dipper had allegedly caused some drip marks on Bird's left shoe during a wonky urination at a local WC in 2002.

Meanwhile PM David Cameron, visiting the area today cautioned:

"We must avoid kneejerk reactions by the public. After all we haven't heard Mr Bird's side of the story yet."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Police

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