Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was today forced to consult his GP suffering from lassitude, brain fag, inertia, mild depression, melancholia, morbidity, blinding headaches, panic attacks, anxiety, blistered feet and acute diarrhoea.
With some slight muscular wastage to the legs.
Shuttlecock was transported to a specially adapted transit van in a wheelchair, covered by a blanket, his face veiled in order to prevent involuntary spitting, and taken to consult with his GP.
After establishing that Shuttlecock hadn't simply been overdoing it on the booze again (the usual source of his ills) and conducting a thorough examination, Doctor Headgrab Chattergee established that Shuttlecock was suffering from 'Acute Cameronitis' and that the overuse of the word 'Change' was driving him to the depths of despair.
Long suffering wife, Anne, confirmed that Shuttlecock had indeed been spending an inordinate amount of time being assailed by the word 'Change' from the television set, mainly delivered with ruddy-faced insincerity by Conservative Party leader David Cameron.
Doctor Chattergee explained in layman's terms that Shuttlecock was becoming increasingly wound up like a coiled spring because he was looking too deeply at the word 'Change' and striving in vain to figure out what it might actually mean.
The doctor elaborated by saying that the frustration was arising because the Cameron fellow kept on and on ad-nauseum saying the word 'Change' but never actually specified what he intended to change, or how he intended to change it.
"Unlike Stevie Wonder's Misstra Know It All," the doctor explained. "The man has no plan. By 'Change' he means that he just hasn't got a clue what to do, other than to change who does what. He'll toss a few scraps into the mix to tempt his cronies, he'll slash public spending, cut jobs, undermine the economy, ally himself to a bunch of Euro-nazis and get more red in the face as he goes along."
"But will my condition improve?" Shuttlecock groaned.
"If he gets into power, no."
"And if Brown stays in power?"
"It'll be rough. But I think that the bottom line is that Brown is the lesser of three evils."
"And if Brown wins? Do people stop saying fucking 'Change'?"
"I would imagine so."
"That's it then!" Shuttlecock announced. "Brown gets my bloody vote!"
Anne Shuttlecock reportedly thanked the doctor and asked Shuttlecock where he wanted to go now?
"To the pub! I'm cured! Waah-Heeeyyy!!!"
Look out for the sparks. They will fly.