Supermarket in Middlesbrough, gearing up for biggest sales ever

Funny story written by Lady Godiva

Sunday, 18 April 2010

image for Supermarket in Middlesbrough, gearing up for biggest sales ever
Berwick Hills, Middlesbrough Branch

A supermarket store, Berwick Hills, Middlesbrough, is gearing up for its biggest sales days every.

News is coming thick and fast that shoppers in the area have heeded warnings about 'Iceland' having volcanic eruptions. Those who are not within walking distance of Tescos say they're now going to take their business down the road to another store.

News of Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones from Cargo Fleet, Middlesbough, due to appear via satellite on the Oprah Whinfrey show, has grabbed the interest of many living on the housing Estates, Pallister Park, Park End, Berwick Hills, Thorntree etc.

Even Brambles Farm residents have received the news.

'Thickies' fear for their lives if they enter Iceland.

Educated people living on these Estates are having a bloody good laugh at the school dropouts who still don't know Iceland is a bleeding country.

"I'm really gobsmacked at their ignorance," said Liz from Berwick Hills. "I work on the Deli counter and, quite frankly I'm amazed that these people are so ignorant. I know a couple of them. I went to school with them and they married drug dealers and moved to Cargo Fleet where they can get cheap subsidised housing for them and their kids."

Another worker added, "It kills me that these women continue to breed. What's the world coming to? I know Iceland's a country. I went there last year for me 'olidays. I'm glad I missed the volcano tho'. Didn't gerra tan either, but we 'ad a lot of good snowball fights and we even built an igloo."

Store manager Mr. Acne (Puss) Blackhead, said he and his staff are gearing up for the increased traffic in the shop.

He's setting up a timetable for customers so that the posh ones can come in early morning between 8:00 a.m. and 12:00 p.m. to do their shopping in peace. They drive to the shop in lovely cars and have well behaved children.

The second group will be shopping between 12:00 p.m. and 2:00 pm. These are the 'normal' housing estate residents who don't cause problems and also have well-behaved children.

At 2:00 p.m. the foul mouthed 'yobos' with the snotty-nosed, screaming kids will be allowed in. Extra security will be added at this point in an effort to curb shoplifting.

Each family will be followed by an undercover store detective dressed in similar attire to the shoppers, including numerous prison tattoos (which will actually be 'transfers')with lots of 'bling' around their necks, causing them to walk with a slight stoop.

"To think," commented the manager, "Our sales will go out of the roof as a result of a volcano erupting in Iceland. I never knew, meself, that Iceland 'ad built some of its shops on top of volcanoes. Ee! Yer lern summit every day don't yer ??"

Liz, at the Deli counter just rolled her eyes at this comment.

"It takes all kinds," she said with a cheeky grin.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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