Friends Fear For Ashley Cole 'The Hermit'

Written by Skoob1999

Monday, 5 April 2010

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Ashley's Back Passage

A bunch of people claiming to be close friends of Chelsea football star Ashley Cole, recently separated from Cheryl, the famous one, have expressed concerns regarding his welfare.

We were informed that since the split, Cole has locked himself away in the squalid ground floor flat he's rented in Reading's bedsit land, and is living like a hermit.

We heard that Cole's flat is stuffed with so many old newspapers that visitors have to squeeze through piles of the things to get to the small remaining space where Cole sits in a battered armchair watching TV, or posting on internet dating sites.

One visitor claims he was almost crushed to death when he narrowly escaped a toppling pile of newspapers.

The floor is said to be littered with empty ravioli tins, beercans, and takeaway containers. One visitor claimed to have seen mice running around and another told us that Cole has taken in several stray cats.

The stench is said to be appalling.

And on his rare forays outside the flat, Cole has become obssessed with collecting old wire, broken fridges and an assortment of bicycle parts, which he keeps in a garden which more closely resembles a scrapyard.

We have taken the liberty of writing to Ashley Cole's agent and Chelsea Football Club demanding to know why the ex-England star has been allowed to go so downhill after his recent separation, and that, as a national treasure, poor old Ashley should be offered all the support he needs.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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