Lord Tebbit, the rottweiler woke up today, to a nasty headline in the Daily Mirror. His public schoolboy servant, Boris had not removed the offensive sentence, "Tory's Losing It".
All hell let loose as Tebbit strutted in his lederhosen scattering copies of his "Mein Kampf" sequel "Mein all bloody mine" as his brownshirts hid behind giant statues of Margaret.
"I damn well told the boffins, get that Swine Flu epidemic spread all over Newcastle, Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham and destroy those Scots in Glasgow.
Get me a huge lead in the polls, guarantee me every Parliamentary seat in the Home Counties. What do I get instead? Duck ponds, Fox and Amies on foreign junkets.
Useless, why did I not use my chums from Argentina." he ranted kicking Osbourne down two flights of fabulously expensive Amazonian hardwood stairs.
"Get me Sky News, I must broadcast to my people - only England, no dreary arsed Scotland. What happened to poisoning all the Scottish water? Why are those oil rigs not aflame?
We must have a working majority, I will not be denied.
Get me Cameron. Only one child, he should be having triplets. I told the fertility clinic I wanted multiple, pure bred, tiny Tories in the making. And that damn Hague, child sensation, useless as a neutered cat. He should have given me four wunderkinder and what do I get nothing." the rottweiler screamed in anger.
"Sky News, I want live, I want Prime Time, I want Dimbleby, I want to see Murdoch" roared Tebbit as he punched and kicked his one eye Brown lookalike.
"I wanted Land Rover in Dagenham, I told those Indians, no tax breaks, move it or lose it. I wanted the Trafford Centre moved to Basildon and renamed Tory Centre, we must get Basildon. Ach, dumbkopf, the Fuhrer, would have shipped the lot to call centres in Bolivia. What will I tell my darling, Margaret. She is expected for coffee and schnapps tonight." wept the rottweiler.
"Get me Teheran, time to nuke Scotland. I'll teach those ginger bastards"
And then he settled down with his iPad to play Battleships and Cruisers.