Joint-murderer of James Bulger Jon Venables, who has been returned to custody after allegedly violating the terms of his release, has been badly let down by Gordon Brown and his incompetent government, I was told by a senior figure with a handlebar moustache yesterday.
Rear-Admiral Sir Hector Blunderbuss Trumpet-Fanshawe, 97, of Lower Upper Nithering, claimed it was "yet another smack in the face for bumbling Brown and his dead-in-the-water Socialist Stooges".
Sources close to Fleet Street watering-holes have alleged that Venables, 27, received virtually no training to prepare him for his entry into society, and - in a damning indictment of Gordon Brown - they further (after another half bottle of gin) accused Gordon Brown of sending Venables out into the world with hardly any equipment.
Venables was suppoed to be fitted out with a series of false identities, in an attempt to enable him to merge into society, when he was released in 2001. However, it is claimed that the convicted murderer was effectively left to go it alone.
In a shocking bombshell for Brown, our source told us that Venables had had to make up his own identities and buy or create his own disguises upon his release.
It is alleged, for example, that when he was first released, he bought his own fancy-dress costumes and went out in the guise of characters like Napoleon, Adolf Hitler and Noel Edmonds.
It was only after he entered Norfolk pub The Goitered Ratcatcher dressed as Lord Nelson and was nearly lynched because he had the wrong arm missing that the authorities were forced to step in to help.
But even then the supposedly-subtle camouflages provided by the government were woefully inadequate, the source said. It seems that Venables was expected to go about as characters more realistic and similar to himself, but clueless civil servants kitted him out as Gary Glitter, Fred West or Ian Huntley, using cheap materials and make-up that smudged and ran in the rain.
"Venables never stood a chance", fumed Rear Admiral Blunderbuss Trumpet-Fanshawe, 112. "I remember when this once-great nation knew how to disguise its heinous criminals. Look how Sir Walter Raleigh, a common pirate and inventor of tobacco-smoke, graces the history-books as a great explorer and Elizabethan hero. How many realise the truth about "Iron Lady" Margaret "we are a grandmother" Thatcher's destruction of British Manufacturing Industry? What about Sir Cliff Richard? We knew how to fool the masses in the old days."
It seems the public agrees with our source and Rear Admiral Blunderbuss Trumpet-Fanshawe, 143. Ivor Spavin, a retired haddock-strangler from Littlehampton said: "Why don't he just come clean? It never did the Singing Kray Twins any harm. They went on to sing in Spandeau Ballet and Eastenders."
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