Written by Earl Grey

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

image for Ian Paisley Surrenders
There was much mourning at the news of Paisley's retirement

Former Northern Ireland First Minister and three times World Shouting Champion Ian Paisley has announced that he is to step down from Parliament after 40 years of representing the people of North Antrim. The man who made ear plug salesmen very rich has decided to leave after a series of scandals.

His expense claims were recently investigated by the police. It was found that Paisley had claimed for three dog collars, a bible, seven packets of throat lozenges, an 'I hate the Pope' t-shirt, a Glasgow Rangers season ticket and a bowler hat and apron gift set.

Paisley, famous for bellowing "No Surrender" at small babies during election walkabouts was in a sombre mood earlier today. "It is with great sadness that I stand down as the people's representative of North Antrim. I would like to thank my election agent Gerry Mandering for keeping me in power for so long. As for the red socks anti christ in the Vatican...." At this point Dr Paisley went a very strange colour and steam started escaping from his ears.

A new silence has befallen Northern Irish politics. Already the Belfast factory which once manufactured ear plugs has laid off all the staff. Catholics and Protestants alike were united in their response when asked what Paisley's legacy would be. "Pardon?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Ireland, Ian Paisley

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