After two spectacular financial failures, it seem the third time was the charm as the "New Oasis Bar', a Spoof Collaboration of demented writers, hit the jack pot with their theme of Tits, Tits and More Tits...and a wee bit of Arse!
According to pub accountant Hal A. Peno, the conversion from the formerly informal neighborhood pub where patrons ran a tab, played the occasional game of darts and discussed football, and then ran the club into bankruptcy, was a huge success mirroring Brits' turning away from wholesome conventional pastimes.
As chronicled in many tabloids today, citizens turned away in droves from public libraries, neighborhood pubs and small convenience package stores and were driven to find more visceral pleasures of the flesh in lap dancing, pole dancing and gaming establishments throughout the country.
Renovated only six months ago and revamping the Oasis II to Oasis III resulted in a breathtaking profit off over 1,020 percent, reflecting trends throughout the slowly sinking , but politically correct, island.
Management brought in a 'cash only' policy, the most sinuous dancers with the biggest TITS, encouraged private dancing in the posh back rooms, and got a gaming license for slot machines , most featuring soccer like games of chance.
Dim lighting, elaborate private rest rooms where exotic drugs could be snorted in privacy by up and coming WAGS while they built up their courage to swarm the attending Footies proved a winning formula.
Famous Footies were fawned upon by striking hostesses supplied by management, and soon anyone who was anyone in the sporting world had to be seen at The Oasis.
One of the most popular features was a private internet chat room where soccer stars could instantly send naked photos to their mistresses, and even have part time Spoof writers pen either romantic poems, and at the very least, articulate seductive messages to girls targeted by the rich, but intellectually challenged players.
Also aiding the bottom line was a package store where high priced champagne, bootlegged whiskey, and kegs of Stella could be quietly loaded into the waiting limos of the endless partying crowd ready to finish the evening in a secret crash pad away from prying eyes.
Monday, usually a slow night for Tits & Arse in the Kingdom, was turned profitable when the Pub was closed for the exclusive use of Barristers, back benchers, landed gentry, and elected officials far from home and on an unlimited expense account to ease their pain from being away from loved ones and constituents.
Although most goings on are private, a recent leak did occur detailing a drinking contest between two politicians which ended up in a projectile vomiting misfortune, which dampened the evenings events, and managed to ban the member who performed the transgression.
Since most of the profits are in cash, Mr. Hal A. Peno was reluctant to discuss the total profit amount the Oasis took in. "Let's just put it this way, "he said, sucking on a particularly hot pepper, " one of our lads was so successful, his wife even was able to go out and buy him a new hat!"
