Local man Martin Shuttlecock today narrowly averted making a complete and utter arse of himself on Valentine's Day thanks to an eagle eyed mate of his who'd popped round for a cup of tea on his way to the shops for a paper and a bottle of milk.
Shuttlecock, enjoying a well deserved rest day off work was glad to see his mate Dave, and made a nice cup of tea for each of them. Some small talk ensued, and Dave asked Shuttlecock if he'd made any special arrangements for Valentine's Day. Shuttlecock said that he was going to cook a lovely dinner for two, which he and wife Anne would then eat by candlelight, followed by wine, and a romantic comedy blu ray disc on the flat screen telly with the lights down low.
He went on to explain that he'd bought a lovely card from the papershop, a box of Kraft chocolates from the offy and some flowers from the all-night garage.
Little did Martin Shuttlecock know, but his mate Dave was about to save him from making a proper twat of himself. When Dave was shown the wine, he informed Shuttlecock that he couldn't possibly drink that with a nice meal because it wasn't wine, it was cooking sherry and would taste like horse piss. The purchase of a proper bottle, perhaps a nice Chianti Classico was recommended.
Then came the piece de resistance, when Dave suggested that they try watching the Blu Ray disc rom-com to make sure that there was nothing inappropriate in it to grate with a romantic evening in.
The rom-com was a 2009 production entitled 'My Bloody Valentine' starring Jensen Ackles and Jaime King. When Shuttlecock started the disc, he realised that it wasn't quite what he'd anticipated.
The 'rom-com' was about a serial killing Pennsylvania coal miner who goes on a Valentine's Day killing spree. It featured full frontal nudity, sexually explicit scenes and graphic close-up violence, usually involving the protagonist whacking a pick-axe through people's unwitting heads.
"It wasn't what I thought it would be," Shuttlecock told us. "It was nasty, like the cooking sherry. Thank heaven Dave called or I'd have felt a proper klutz come this Sunday."
We are only too pleased to pass on Martin Shuttlecock's sound advice to double-check with a friend you can trust before attempting to spring a romantic surprise treat on the wife.
It could all so easily go tits-up if you're not careful.
More sound advice as we get it.
