Gordon Ramsay to give up Cooking for Horse Spunk

Written by Bill Licks

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

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'Stay away from my cock, Ramsay'

The potty mouthed Hell's kitchen presenter has announced he is going to give up being a chef for a life of equine semen related activities.

In a completely non-topical news story that was made up whilst browsing the readymade cooking sauces aisle in Tescos, this reporter thought up this crap after seeing Ramsay's ugly mug on a jar of Bolognese sauce.

A close sauce - possibly a jar of Dolmio Creamy Lasagne sauce told me 'Ramsay loves his horse toss. Fucking loves it. He loves to shower in it, drink it, wash his clothes in it, he just can't get enough of it. He'd even masturbate 24 hours a day and shoot it out of his big thoroughbred cock if there was some surgical operation that would enable him to generate it from his pony bollocks.'

'So he's hanging up his frying pan' the tasty Italian recipe added, 'And he's gonna spend the rest of his days hanging around stables where there's stallion seminal fluid a plenty.'

Ramsay reacted angrily when I put these allegations to him. 'Have you got nothing better to do than make up puerile shit like this fuckface?' He screamed. 'These cooking sauces of mine are for a fucking good cause. All proceeds go towards Comic Relief so why not use that fucking chinless twat, Anthony Worrall Thompson as the subject of your piss poor article instead of me?'

When I suggested that lying flat on his back under a randy young colt would also be 'Comic Relief' he battered six shades of crap out of me with a Ken Hom wok.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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