Tesco Tire of Night Attired Slappers

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 29 January 2010


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'It's pathetic', fumed mum-of-five Kelly Rancid, 24, yesterday

A Tesco store in Swansea has banned shoppers from walking the aisles in inappropriate clothing.

It seems many locals have been turning up to the 24-hour superstore at Blodwyn Street wearing skimpy bedgear. Others have been staggering in to buy booze, fags and condoms on their way home after a night on the tiles.

Many of these are young single mothers from the surrounding Dedd End estate, which is a known "benefits ghetto" and drug-dealer's refuge.

A sign at the front entrance now specifically bans "inappropriate dress and behaviour" and urges customers to "be aware of the feelings of fellow shoppers".

Mum-of-four Rachael Slagge, 22, and her mother Sharon Slack-Slagge, 36, were ejected from the store at 3am yesterday, after Rachael, 22, carrying her six-month old twins and wearing a micro dress and thong, vomited over the store manager Humphrey Humphries, 26, while Sharon, 36, wearing "Pingu" pyjamas and carrying 5 bottles of Lambrini, urinated in a sack of potatoes.

'We was only doin what we usually does on any night of the week', protested Sharon Slack-Slagge, 36, yesterday. 'If bleedin Tesco's is open 24 hours what do they expect? It's what people do in the street so what's the difference?'

Many locals support the Tesco ban. But others on the Dedd End estate are furious and have sworn to take their trade elsewhere.

'It's pathetic', fumed mum-of-five Kelly Rancid, 24, yesterday. 'I'm switchin to Asdas. Me mate Tania reckons they let her in this mornin, an she only had a nightie and thong on. She got a 6 pack of Stella, 100 cigs and some featherlite, and she had her six kids and Fuckface her pit bull with her an all. There's lovely, isn't it? Asdas know what life's about, not like these snobbish Tesco twats.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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