Written by Kent Pete

Monday, 28 December 2009

image for Morrissey to become President of Europe?

Rock icon Noel Gallagher travelled to Brussels today to press the case for singer songwriter Morrissey to become the first President of the European Union, and indications from around the continent last night suggested that his journey might not be in vain.

In what is being treated as a publicity stunt by some political commentators Gallagher spoke out in support of the ex Smiths frontman's potential candidacy on the eve of the crunch two-day EU summit.

Although the topic is not on the formal agenda, because the Czechs have yet to ratify the Lisbon Treaty, the 27 EU leaders will hold preliminary discussions over who should take the inaugural position.

Speaking to the Spoof's Foreign correspondent Mr Gallagher said: "We need a man of real integrity to become the first President. I have been a fan of Morrissey for over 20 years and I cannot think of anyone better equipped to lead a united Europe. This is a man who has compassion, a man who is well travelled, a man who has a true understanding of the complex nature of modern life. Was it not Morrissey who wrote:

"I left the North again
I travelled South again
And I got confused - I killed a nun
I can't help the way I feel".

Gallagher continued, "I said he was well travelled"

However much will depend on the decisions of France and Germany, the EU's traditional driving forces, whose leaders meet next week in Paris.

Chancellor, Angela Merkel, has refused to be drawn on the subject, either in public or in private. Aides insist she has still not made up her mind, but yesterday there were strong signals from Berlin that her new government was shifting its support towards Morrissey.

A senior politician from her new coalition partner, the Free Democrats, said his party wanted a candidate who was not a traditional politician.

"We are too dominated by bureaucrats and what many perceive as souless men in grey suits who have no real empathy with the people they profess to represent. We have been aware of Morrissey for a long time and he has a strong fan base not just throughout Europe but the World"

Some people have voiced concerns that Morrissey's hedonistic past might come back to haunt him. However in a rather surprizing show of support David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party in Britain said yesterday:

"It is true that when he was younger Steven admitted to kissing someone for so long under an iron bridge that he ended up with sore lips but compared to a lot of politicians that really is not such a scandal. Boris Johnson is a registered heroin addict and it hasn't prevented him from holding high office if you pardon the pun"

Other celebrities who have said that they would back Morrissey if he decided to run include bi curious Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker, potty mouthed entertainer Jonathan Ross and 'Barrel of laughs' comedienne Jo Brand.

Talking from her home in Camberwell, South London, the ex Psychiatric Nurse told our reporter:

"I have loved Morrissey since 1983. I cannot think of a man with such an acute awareness of the human condition. He would be my ideal candidate for President of Europe. It would be so refreshing to have a politician you actually respected. Anyone who could write the lyric, 'I'd like to drop my trousers to the Queen' gets my vote"

Morrissey was unavailable for comment. At present he is preparing for the European leg of his world tour. However it is believed that he is becoming disillusioned with the music business and might possibly welcome a change of direction. Odds on him running for Presidency were slashed last night when during a concert in Lille, France, the singer changed the lyrics to one of his best known songs, 'There is a light that never goes out'.

"Take me out tonight
Because I want to rule Europe
And take over your life"

Carnivores beware. If Morrissey does become the first President of Europe he is likely to ban the sale and production of all animal products. A fierce opponent of the meat industry he is rumoured to have married an Philippine Warty Pig called Spencer in a civil ceremony last summer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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