Music To Your Ears: The Christmas War For Number 1 Begins

Written by Nick Hobbs

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

image for Music To Your Ears: The Christmas War For Number 1 Begins
Xmas candy canes. Ideal for putting in your ears. Or suck them to a point and push them through your temple.

With the dreaded news released today that Rolf Harris and Status Quo were teaming up for a Christmas single and an attempt at the number one spot, it appears they are not the only ill-advised pairing threatening to assault our earlobes this festive season.

Billy Ray Cyrus and Britney Spears are reportedly preparing to enter the studio, to record 'We Three Kings Of Orient Are'. Tommy Knobhead, Cyrus' PA said "we think the match up will be magic, I can hear the crowd going wild for it now!"

This side of the pond Micheal Buble and Cheryl Cole are going to delight with their rendition of 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.' Cole, 16, said "why aye man, me 'un tha bubble blurk are ganna do eh reet cannie sing-a-lang" (or something!).

Meanwhile the usual suspects will be out in force. Sir Cliff of Richard is doing something special this year. "Hi guys, great," he waffled, "this is, like, going to be so special, right? I'm gonna get a huge tree, yeah? And, like, drop from it singing 'Oh Christmas Tree' yeah? Only then, like, the Shadows will join me, yeah? And, like, we'll rock out into a version of my 'Mistletoe and Wine', yeah?"


And to top it all Bob Geldof is planning yet another version of 'Do They Know It's Christmas' this year, titled 'Do They Actually Even Celebrate Christmas Over There?' it will feature Bono, Katie Price, Peter Andre, Bono, Miley Cyrus, Bono, Bono, Katie Price, Midge Ure and Bono.

I bet you can't wait you lucky souls. This reporter is having his ears removed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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