Network rail has issued a statement following their announcement of the proposed £3¼ billion facelift for thousands of the UK's railway stations.
They have assured the great British public that there will be the minimum of disruption during the proposed national upgrade.
A spokesman for the company, Mr Phat Kontroller said:
"Despite the enormity of the work, I can confirm that, as expected by the public, trains will continue to run late and be filthy and overcrowded. We will also do our best to ensure that as many trains as possible will be cancelled last-minute and for no reason, leaving the hapless public standing at least in more comfortable surroundings on newly refurbished platforms.
"I can also confirm that buying tickets will continue to be a purchasing nightmare, and we have made an undertaking to the Secretary of State for Lack of Decent Public Transport, that the public will continue to have problems with single versus return fare prices, lack of through tickets on certain trains and of course guaranteeing the current practice whereby it is cheaper for four people to rent a Rolls Royce, pay for petrol, congestion charge and parking than it would be for them to take a return train trip from Leeds to London for the day.
"We are also committed to ensuring that the quality of the food and refreshments on trains reduces while the price increases. We are proud to be in the Guinness Book of Records for the £4 cheese sandwich, 60p pack of crisps and £2 cup of tea.
"We will also ensure that the shareholders can suck as much of the £3¼ billion out of the project as possible by recommending their con-sultant friends for various jobs."