Glasgow named laziest city: Liverpool gutted

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Monday, 10 August 2009

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Miss Glasgow 934 BC

Liverpool City Council was today counting the cost of coming nowhere in the UK list of Laziest Cities.

The report by Nuffield Health, a not-for-profit healthcare group, found that Glasgow was top of the list for lazy bastards around the UK and that Liverpool featured nowhere in the list.

"We're gutted" said an important man from the City Council. "For years we've been associated with being the laziest workshy unhealthy bastards in the UK and now we're not even included in the top ten. We'll be looking at reducing government funding to health and fitness programmes so we can turn this monumental event around"

Liverpool ex-pats were also devastated to hear the news today with several of them leading the mass charge back home to Merseyside to improve their standing in the Lazy League Table.

Robbie Fowler, ex Liverpool FC striker, pledged to come home and 'follow his heart'

"It's well out of order, I've decided to come home [from his gap year playing football in Australia] and go on the dole where I sit on me arse all day long & play with all my electronic gadgets that will help me throw my life away and make Liverpool Kings of the Kop-out once again"

Meanwhile Elderly Liverpool favourite and former Anfield number 2, Cilla Black said although she had retired and 'did fuck all anyway', she said a move back home would mean she still did fuck all, but "actually doing fuck all when living in liverpool might mean we get more votes next year", said a senile Miss Black thinking it was Eurovision.

Former Scouse Dole King Yosser Hughes was at the forefront of the return back home and was pictured outside The Liverpool Echos Office with a placard that said "Don't gizza job"

Meanwhile Crime in the city soared as yobs in the city decided to help out by committing any crime they could, just to get inside Liverpools 5 star Walton Prison to extend their lazyitis in an effort to push the city back into the League Table.

Said one thick as pigshit scouser "I even tried suicide so I really would be doing nothin at all ,to help the city 'n' all dat, but I was shit at it and I only managed to cut me finger, looks like I'll have to go back to werk... fuck"

Rafa Benitez, famously larger than larder size Liverpool FC coach, said it was "Hunbeleebable" and produced an A4 sized piece of paper as evidence of scouse laziness, naming several former Liverpool purchases under Gerrard Houlier.

Meanwhile childrens TV character Lazy Town villain Robbie Rotten was beaming with delight as the figures were announced & he handed the trophy over to Glasgow. "Muhahahahaha" said the bone-idle Character from Lazy Town.

"My Evil plan to make the world Lazy is about to go International. First it was the tubbies in America, now the UK is full of lazy, good for nothing, Mcdonalds eating unhealthy bastards who I have taken to my heart. Dontcha just love me - Muhuhahahaha"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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