Headline news in The Sun last Saturday revealed to a shocked nation the onanistic exploits of a Virgin Trains driver on the West Coast main line who was caught tossing himself off in his cab. However The Spoof can reveal secret government research which suggests that as many as 1 in 10 public transport workers regularly masturbate while in charge of a passenger carrying service.
"Its more widespread than we could have imagined" said Thomas Tank from the Department of Transport "We have reports of train, tube and even bus drivers admitting to regularly having one off the wrist during long boring journeys. I would however like to reassure passengers that the risk to their health and safety is minimal, provided they take sensible precautions, like travelling by car instead".
In a surprise move Sir Richard Branson has defended the driver's conduct. "Long journies can be very tedious. During my balloon flights I myself would relieve the boredom by having a sly play on the old pink oboe. I don't see a problem with it, better than the guy falling asleep and going through a red signal." But Bob Crowe of the rail union RMT disagreed, stating that unless staff had clearly documented procedures to follow in the event that they fancy a five knuckle shuffle they should not indulge in the practice. "I am not prepared to allow my members to put their members at risk in this manner" he said this morning "And we are going on strike. Well, we were due to anyway."
Meanwhile the train driver is set to become a minor celebrity, with interest from the producers of Big Brother and a guest appearance in a post-watershead revival of the classic light entertainment programme "What's my Line?". A soft porn version of "Ivor the Engine" is also in the offing.
And at Gatwick today airline passengers described how their holiday flight from Majorca turned into a terrifying roller coaster ride as the pilot and co-pilot wrestled with the controls having accidentally disengaged the autopilot during an impromptu "mile high" wanking session. RyanAir confirmed that their staff had to sign a "no wanking" clause in their contracts, but it was OK for passengers to pull themselves off provided they pay £5 for an in flight porn and tissue kit costing £5, plus of course the £1 to use a specially designed cubicle. That's if they've any energy left after carrying on their luggage and helping to push the plane back off the stand.