Princes Charles, Harry, William, Andrew and Edward not to face reselection for next year's Royal positions

Funny story written by matwil

Sunday, 21 June 2009

image for Princes Charles, Harry, William, Andrew and Edward not to face reselection for next year's Royal positions
Prince Philip goes Prince shooting

As expenses scandal after expenses scandal rocked the nation, with politicians falling over themselves to deny any wrongdoing before either resigning or being sacked, the Royal Family's selection committee decided not to reselect Princes Charles, Harry, William, Andrew and Edward for next year's Royal positions.

'They just don't do anything', the committee's chairwoman said, 'and we are tired of them hanging around our houses, playing snooker and annoying the housemaids. But being Royal means they don't have to do anything, the snag is that they don't even do nothing in an interesting sort of way any more, so we have decided not to reselect them.'

'The following will instead be selected to take their places in the Houses of Windsor: Prince Charles will be replaced by our gardener, Bert Twistlethwaite, aged 76, who knows more about plants and farming than Charles has ever read up on to do some bleating interview on TV about organic housebuilding, or some such nonsense.'

'Harry will be replaced by Jimmy McWhinny, a 12-year old schoolboy in Aberdeen, and no-one will notice the difference, William's place will be taken by Helen Smith of Macclesfield, a 12-year old schoolgirl, and no-one will notice the difference.'

'Prince Andrew was sacked years ago, not that anyone noticed, and whoever Prince Edward is nobody knows or cares. These five Princes have cost the British taxpayers hundreds of millions of wasted pounds to simply spend their lives huntin', shootin', and inbreedin', and appearin' in the Daily Express in ridiculous fake news stories, that not even a child would believe in, so we are glad to do our duty to the nation and to show that we also can expose money-grabbing parasites, and get rid of them. Do you think the roses look a bit off colour this week, Bert?'

Many were pleased to see the Royal Family follow the example of Parliament, in ridding Britain of people who do absolutely nothing except cost the public endless amounts of money, money spent giving them endless luxury holidays and endless gourmet meals, with endless chauffeurs, jets and trains ferrying them around the world, and enough stately homes to house thousands of homeless people in.

And unlike the Queen, who performs essential duties in a constitutional monarchy, these Princes exist for no reason at all, except to annoy millions of hard-working taxpayers intensely.

'We agree entirely', the committee chairwoman said, 'can you imagine having to spend every day with those loafers, bunch of bone-idle parasites! If we had our way it'd be orf to the Colonies with 'em to earn their living, but tragically we're not allowed to do that any more.'

And her husband, also on the committee, added: 'One Prince is enough for any country, what do we want the other five for? Shoot the blighters, is what I say!', and when it was pointed out that the Princes were all his relations, he shouted 'Shoot the blighters anyway!'

'If we don't want 'em, what on earth would the country want 'em for? Damn' layabouts! And if Charles just once more starts prattling on about flowers and buildings again, I'll ...', before screwing a sign beside the front door, saying 'No Hawkers, No Tinkers, No MPs, and Definitely No More Princes'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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