Glasgow, Scotland, Yesterday - A couple have spoken of their shock after a blunder in an IVF clinic led to their child being born with "possible mild animal characteristics" in Glasgow, yesterday.
Glasgow Health Board issued an unreserved apology to the couple, who are described as "elated and excited at the birth of their first child, a child they never thought they'd have" and "very scared, distraught, angry, withdrawn and nauseous." Their identity has been concealed to prevent the child, known as Baby XXX, being "teased or stabbed by other children" or attacked by "extreme religious elements."
The health board also announced an investigation into how the embryo, which was created by injecting the cross-fertilized nucleus of a trans-human egg cell into another egg from yet another species for research purposes in a clinic in Langley, Virginia, came to be in the freezer in the Glasgow IVF clinic, and how it came to be implanted in the housing estate couple. "As of now we have no idea."
Director of the clinic, Dr Brian Rumsfeld-Halliburton, was apologetic. "Sorry," he said. "We're all terribly sorry. This has never happened before. We're so sorry. But there is a bright side. His extra genes will enable Baby XXX to do extraordinary things and perhaps join the coalition forces in the future war against terror. And fortunately in Glasgow red hair and a projecting muzzle do not look out of place. A tracksuit and modified baseball cap will help XXX fit in. Admittedly there will be problems finding suitable sports footwear."
Archbishop of Strathclyde, Connor Flynn Patrick O'Neill, has expressed his "disgust and revulsion" at the birth of this child, saying it represents "the beginning of the end of time." Speaking at a mass commemorating St Kentilope's Primary School's twentieth anniversary he said, "this is the spawn of Satan and the Beast foretold in the book of revelations. I call on all right-minded Christians to rise up and burn this abomination, and all homosexuals. We will now sing hymn 235, All Things Bright and Beautiful."