Expense leak's expenses leaked

Funny story written by dannline

Sunday, 17 May 2009

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Westminster sinks as leaks abound

The expenses of the House of Commons leak who leaked MPs expenses have been leaked.

Civil servent Clare Roundbum's leaked expenses claims show she claimed £384 over 2008 for leeks.

"The expenses leak leaked leek expenses show parliament is putrid from bottom up," said outraged soon-to-be former Conservative MP George Tears.

Mr Tears' leaked expenses revealed in the 18th day of coverage by the Telegraph show he claimed for a second wife, and flipped to his first constituency wife after breast enlargement surgery on the second had been paid for by the public purse.

The first wife then recieved a four-piece luggage set.

He denied doing anything wrong and that the need for MPs to have a second London spouse was within the rules.

However, the second wife - Joyce Kermit - is also an MP and made a separate claim for the surgery and her own London flat, constituency flat in Victoria, a holiday villa in Goa and a travelcard - flipping monthly between them.

Ms Kermit's role as vice-deputy president of the Privy Council also allows her a 'grace and favour' flat in a disused nuclear bunker under Buckingham Palace - which she rents out to foriegn tourists and holds corporate events in.

She claimed she was acting "about 34 miles within the rules and then some".

Ms Kermit's personal butler in the flat she shares on Thursdays with the former defence secretary Lord Shotput is former deputy PM John Prescott.

Gordon Brown has now ruled Mr Prescott must be stripped of the title of former deputy PM.

He will know be known as the Duchess of Chichester. His wife will recieve the title of chief Chicastrian consert.

Meanwhile the former Duchess of Chichester will become the former Chancellor of the Exchequer Norman Lamont.

Mr Lamont's expenses are not under suspicion.

Original leak Ms Roundbum has refused to comment but a source revealed House of Commons staff who leak are in their rights to claim leeks - but not spring onions.

The Metropolitan Police are to launch an inquiry into which vegetables are leeks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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