Q&A: The MP expenses row

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 16 May 2009

image for Q&A: The MP expenses row
'The gravy train will be departing for Westminster on platform gh..jjkz...z. Thank You.'

The Daily Torygraph has published largely Labour Party ministers and MPs' expenses claims, and here are a few questions and answers about the stories:

What Has Been Revealed?

Nothing that the public didn't already know, which is that MPs are thieves and liars

Why Was The Information Secret?

If you'd been stealing taxpayers' money to buy things like toilet seats and ballpoint pens, you'd want it to remain secret

What Do The MPs Say?

Well, it ain't 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor, you've got me bang to rights as a pathetic thief and cheat'. Watching Hazel Bliars trying to worm herself out of being caught at blatantly fraudulent behaviour was nauseating enough to bring about an outbreak of politicians' flu

What Has Been The Impact On The Government?

Given that Tony Blair publicly lied about weapons of mass destruction, and both Blairs were involved in a criminal property deal, Gordon Brown genuinely appears straightforward and honest compared to his predecessor. Except that he's also made iffy expenses claims

Have Any Labour MPs Paid Money Back?

Once the socialist political party of James Maxton, you almost need to be a millionaire to be selected as a Labour MP nowadays. Anything paid back is like loose change to them

What Are They Doing About Being Seen As Thieves?


Will Doing Nothing Change Anything?


What Happens Next?

The government finds another non-story, like albatross 'flu, and fills the media with it, hoping the public will forget about all the lying and stealing that's been going on

Why Do MPs Need A Second Home?

They don't

If the stocks were brought back, and MPs cheating their expenses claims put in them, how many Londoners would turn up to pelt them with eggs and rotting food?

About seven million. Every day

Why are taxpayers funding what are obviously people who should be prosecuted for fraud and theft?

If millions stop voting in protest against all this, MPs will be out of a job, and off their gravy trains. And forced to become MEPs

How Much Longer Is This News Story Going To Dominate The Headlines?

Just as long as it takes for British voters to forget that they are paying for illegal colonial wars against Iraq and Afghanistan, and that they have been the victims of multi-million pound banking frauds.

And that the parties of Harold Wilson and Winston Churchill and David Lloyd George are now public jokes. And that canny Scots are slowly cutting the Union ties, and that the Welsh and the Northern Irish may follow them not too soon afterwards.

We don't need Parliament any more, and the latest scandals may be the death knell of the Palace of Westminster

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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