F.D.A. Puts New Limits on Health Foods

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Thursday, 2 April 2009

image for F.D.A. Puts New Limits on Health Foods
No longer "high in carbs," but now "great with a slice of ham"

The Food and Drug Administration has declared that food manufacturering and packaging companies will now be required to use truth in advertising to label more of their products.

"This should make it easier for consumers to tell what kind and type of products they are really purchasing," said consumer advocate and watchdog Ralph Nader. "People are tired of getting lied to about bogus diet plans and foods."

In the future, the following changes will be required:

  • Foods labeled as "low fat" must now be renamed "flavorless"
  • Foods labeled as "high fiber" must now be labeled as "tastes like cardboard"
  • Foods labeled "low calorie" must now be labeled as "mostly water"
  • Foods labeled as "cheese food" must now be labeled as "fake cheese"
  • Foods labeled as "non dairy" must now be labeled as "no milk products inside"
  • Foods labeled as "heart smart" must now be labeled as "stomach stupid"
  • Foods labeled as "unsweetened" must now be labeled as "bitter" or "flavorless"
  • Foods labeled as "low sodium" must now be marked "needs salt"

While nutritionists oppose this move, most consumers don't think it will make much difference. Over 70% of those surveyed said that "we already knew that's what everything stood for anyway."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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