A TheSpoof.com writer announced seconds ago that he is to relinquish all previous employment activities in order to pursue a new career as a professional cat whisperer.
The writer in question, who wishes to remain anonymous, is to start his new career tomorrow morning by advertising his services as a cat whisperer on popular internet recruitment site jobsforuselessunemployablepeople.web
We asked this certifiable lunatic what prompted him to embark on such a cataclysmic career change. He told us:
"It all kicked off after a tense day with the wife. I've had a dodgy right foot lately, so I've taken a few days holiday off work. Anyway, United got beat, and so I sat up late drinking beer and feeling sorry for myself and a bit homesick.
"So I Zoo Tubed James live in Manchester singing 'Sit Down' and was getting all emotional, when I noticed the cat, standing up as I was on my way to bed. In a daft drunk sort of way I did a Tim Booth impression singing 'down, down, down down, sit down...down.
"And fuck me if the cat didn't sit down."
A spokesperson from the Department For Work and Pensions told us:
"Cat whispering is not a lucrative career option. If you ask me, this person is fucking puddled."
More feline frolics as we get them.