Deadline: The Fighting Cocks Inn, Annit, Herts. - In a hastily called press conference at this quite frankly skanky pub, convicted felon Jack Tweedy showed off his ankle tag to assembled press personnel before getting down to the real nitty gritty.
"Fact of the matter is," he announced. "Unless me and Jadey gets a a £6.7 billion bailout from the govinment, or the ICF or somebody, then we can't go ahead wiv de weddin. Fings costs dosh yer know. And that Buckwheat Obummer an dat other geezer, they're frowin' dosh at the banks like its goin' out of fashion."
At which point a reporter from a crap publication not anywhere near as good as the Spoof interjected:
"£6.7 Billion for a wedding? You're 'avin a fackin' larf ain'tcha?"
Tweedy had to be restrained at this point, but a source close to him reported that he had snarled: 'I'll put the fahhhkin' nut on that caahnt, he don't faahckin' shat it!'.
Tweedy quickly regained what little composure and dignity he ever possessed before stating:
"Me and Jadey an the sprogs, we're a national institution now. These things ave to be paid for. So unless this £6.7 billion is on the table, the fahcking weddin's off innit. End of."
At which point, PR Guru Max Glifford arrived, grabbed Tweedy by the arm and frogmarched him out of the pub to be rushed away in a waiting Honda Civic. Glifford reportedly saying angrily into the potential groom's ear:
"What the fuck do you think you're playing at, you stupid shit for brains fuckwit?"
The assembled press corps seemed to laugh knowingly before starting a stampede of wildebeeste proportions for the bar.
Four reporters were hospitalised with crush injuries and a laptop had to be written off.
More as we get it.
Jade Goody died on March 22nd 2009.
