New Year Resolution: Don't make resolutions

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 2 January 2009

image for New Year Resolution: Don't make resolutions
To avoid a straightjacket, change nothing

A leading UK based mental health charity, Mind, has urged people to avoid making New Year resolutions this year.

"Resolutions are made by people who have something about themselves that they want to change," said Frank Butmad. "Common resolutions are quitting smoking, reducing alcohol and to stop robbing banks. These are unrealistic, and can lead to despondency and other mental health problems. Our helpline is inundated by the third of January by people who cannot cope with changing themselves."

Mind's suggestion to avoid depression and bipolar disorder is to keep doing what you have always done. Smokers may die earlier, but at least they will die sane, whilst alcoholics should wait until June before they reduce their intake, as the Mind helpline is less busy at this time of year. Bank Robbers will find that stopping robbing banks leads to a severe cash shortage that will send them down the road of mental illness, and should continue to rob banks until they have sufficient funds to support a private mental health course of treatment.

Other people who wish to make severe lifestyle changes should also think twice. Instead of quitting your job, you should stick it out and overcome your problems at work. Do not get divorced or married, and definitely do not have children or get a new pet.

"Stagnation is the key to a happy health mind," said Butmad. "Status Quo may be a rubbish band, but their message is clear. Maintain it. The only people we would suggest that make lifestyle changes are those who are already insane, and to them we would offer the following advice: Get a grip."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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