A series of what are decribed as "mild" initiatives are tipped to reach the statute book early next year.
With a view to making it more difficult to aquire cigarettes, the following are likely to enter the statute book.
Cigarettes will only be sold in plain wrappers and from a cupboard situated at least 25 metres from any cashier. The warnings will be amended to read, "I'm a loser fuckwit and I am going to die".
A compulsory lung capacity test will be carried out at point of sale, product will only be sold in 30 kg packs, to those who pass the test and can carry the pack.
Smoking will only be permitted in large ashtrays, set up in ghetto areas each equipped with a decontamination area to erase "that smokey stink" which has caused millions of deaths through passive inhaling of smoke laden clothing.
Crack teams of hecklers are being recruited by the health gestapo to hunt down and mock any smokers found in public. Rehearsals are at an advanced stage with the chant "Fag Hag--You're Bad".
Spokesman for the ministry, Lentil Tepid, assured the public that marijuana was not covered by the new rules as, "Obviously, it's not tobacco, man"
Business secretary for the government, Mr. Tesco Morrison, when questioned as to the effects on small corner stores of the new regulations, said, "Fuck 'em, squalid little dumps anyway"
Latest figures show that 22% of adults currently smoke in England, the new measures are expected to cut that to at least 21.95% by 2012
