London - (Plutonium-210 Mess): A veteran ex-KGB spookmaster/security mentor to wannabe Tory sperm donor Oleg Deripaska 'planted a live nuclear device' under London restaurant Squalidinos according to reports from the UK's Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency.
Valery Pechenkin, 69, ran London's Russian spy ring during Margaret Thatcher's third term of orifice.
Hand-picked for the top UK job by syphilitic Bolshevik madman Mikhail Gorbachev, Pechenkin leaned on up-and-coming Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association toerag Sir Terence ConArtist by hard-wiring the 5 kilotonne device into the shady eaterie's plant room.
But his front-of-house KGB henchman Dimitry Pissoff had been infiltrated and exposed as a pederast member of the notorious P2 Lodge.
One night in 1994 Peter Mandelson and Princess Diana were guests at a private function in the restaurant when an unexpected power cut plunged diners into darkness.
Pissoff panicked and accidentally exposed the bomb's encrypted security codes when switching on the emergency power generator.
Mandelson then stole the data before passing it on to George W Bush's henchman Aldrich Ames.
George Osborne is clinically insane.