My Gay Affair with Obama

Funny story written by David David

Wednesday, 8 October 2008


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Retired RAF pilot and pre-op transsexual Polly Graff seen leaving the Y Front polysexual club in London

London, England - Retired Royal Air Force pilot and pre-op transsexual Polly Graff has revealed that she had a one-night stand with US Presidential hopeful Barack Obama when she was a gay man. According to Ms Graff, the tryst occurred a dozen years ago in London when Obama was in the UK for his half-sister's wedding.

Graff, then known as Lieutenant Lance Strongarms, claims she met Obama in a gay London pub in 1996. She revealed her story in an interview conducted at the Y Front polysexual club in London. Wearing a size 16 hot pink Roberto Cavalli dress with plunging neckline and matching pink sculptured nails, Ms Graff appeared ready to reveal intimate details of her 'date' with Mr Obama.

"I was on a weekend pass from RAF Bentwaters and staying at the Union Jack Club in Waterloo, as I recall. I was randy as hell and so started hitting the gay bars in Soho pretty early."

"Anyway, I ended up at the City of Quebec pub in Marble Arch. In those days it pretty much catered to the older gay crowd and was nicknamed the Elephants Graveyard. I went downstairs to the dimly lit cruisy area and there he was, standing alone in the shadows."

Ms Graff continued, "Of course I didn't know who he was at the time. But he made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with excitement, among other things, so I approached him and started chatting him up."

According to Ms Graff, Obama was shy and quiet at first, but after a few pints of lager he loosened up and was more forthcoming.

"He told me his name was Barry and he was an American who had come over here to attend his half-sister's wedding. I think her name was Auma Thurman and it was in Wokingham or Wankingham or some such place in the Berkshires."

Quickly downing another vodka and Redbull, Ms Graff went on, "Then Obama told me this bizarre story that he and the lads had gone on a stag night pub crawl. He said they were all pretty shit-faced, and when he came face-to-face with a raunchy St Trinian's school girl stripper rubbing her boobs all over his face, he couldn't take it and did a runner all the way to London."

"By now he had had quite a few more pints at the Quebec", interjected Graff, "and he confided to me that he was 'confused' about his sexuality. He may have been confused, but unless he had a loaded revolver in his pocket, his anatomy wasn't confused at all."

Ms Graff thrust a cocked fist outwards at a 45 degree angle for emphasis. "It wasn't just his ears that were sticking out that night, if you know what I mean."

"Things started to get pretty hot between us, and so I invited him back to the Union Jack Club where I had a room. We took an illegal minicab and snogged in the back seat all the way to Waterloo," Gaff reminisced, her perfectly mascara-laden eyes drifting to some far away place, along with the smoke from her fag.

Graff continued her account. "When we got out of the minicab, Obama asked me what that was across the street under the arches. I told him it was the Pleasuredrome Gay Sauna, open all night. He insisted we give it a go, so we did. Let's just say it was like turning a kid loose in a candy shop." Ms Graff pantomimed licking a candy cane.

"About 4 A.M. we finally made it to my room at the Union Jack Club which is for active and retired military, so the geezer at the front desk didn't think anything strange when we staggered in holding each other up. He just winked and gave me the key, knowing I'd pulled," Graff said with a wink of her own. "We had at it for another couple of hours like two dogs in heat. Then he had to leave to catch a train back to Wockingham in time for the wedding."

At this point, her big blue eyes welled up with tears and Ms Graff lost one of her tinted contact lenses. She was a pitiful sight, mascara running down her pretty face to her throbbing Adam's apple, and looking blankly ahead with one blue eye and one brown eye.

"That was the last I saw of him," she whimpered, "boarding that train in Waterloo Station. He said he'd keep in touch, and he did call me from Italy a couple of weeks later. But I never heard from him again after that, except for one late-night drunken phone call several years ago."

Composing herself by adjusting the strap on one of her Manolo Blahnik designer stilettos, Ms Polly Graff concluded the interview by asserting that she supported Obama for President.

"Just because neither of us is gay anymore doesn't mean I don't still feel something between us", smiled Ms Graff. "I backed him as a man, and I'd do the same as a pre-op transsexual."

Obama campaign headquarters did not immediately return calls when asked to confirm or deny Ms Polly Graff's story. However, after conferring with Bill Clinton, Senator Obama issued this terse statement to the press: "I did not have sex with that woman," and declared the matter closed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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