Acorah - "Diana Told Me to Slap Fayed"

Funny story written by Mrs Kensington

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

image for Acorah - "Diana Told Me to Slap Fayed"
Acorah - "Ghosts can sometimes be a bit grumpy"

Only days after returning to London following his assault on royal arse-licker Paul Burrell with a gateau worth $5,000, camp celebrity mystic Derek Acorah, who is often grammatically incorrect, has been at it again - this time in London.

In sensational scenes on Monday the coiffured scouser caused an uproar in Knightbridge when he slapped Egyptian shop owner Mohamed Al Fayed repeatedly over the head with a designer flip flop, blaming the late Princess of Wales, whom he claims has been contacting him through his spirit guide "Sam".

Acorah, who was on a coach trip from his home in Blackpool with best friend Yvette Fielding, was shopping in world famous tourist attraction Harrods, when he spotted Al Fayed giving away free samples of luxury chocolate body paint to a group of under-privileged shoppers and reportedly "went ape".

"It was horrible" Fielding told reporters. "One minute he was queuing to pay for a monogrammed pvc shopping bag for his wife Gareth, the next the room went cold and monochrome, my hair went white and my eyes turned all big and scary".

Onlookers described how Acorah lost all control of his limbs and started shaking with rage, then flopped his head forward and peered shyly from behind his fringe. The chavvy coffin chaser, who claims to be a medium but close friends say is "probably a small", then minced coyly but confidently over towards the tiny billionaire, shaking hands with shoppers bashfully as he passed, then grabbed a Versace gold-plated diamond encrusted flip flop and began slapping Fayed on the head with it.

"It was bizarre" an eyewitness told reporters "He was screaming father-in-law? you? I'd sooner have a three in a bed with Charles and Camilla. I only went to Paris with Dodi because he promised to take me on the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland".

The attack continued for around ten minutes, with Acorah screaming "when I said everyone'd be surprised about what I did next I didn't mean I was going to get hitched to that oily bastard - I was talking about doing a sequel to "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner".

"It was relentless" declared Head of Security Henri Paul. "He just kept slapping and slapping the poor bugger. I would have helped him out, but I was far too pissed".

Onlookers later denied seeing Mr Paul at the scene and Fielding confirmed that he was "probably a ghost".

"Don't worry about it" she giggled "It happens to me all the time. Only last week I was buying a samosa at Camden Market when I suddenly smelt rotting flesh, heard deathly gasps and moans and felt cold spiky fingers poking at my back, it was terrifying".

When asked if the ghost had made itself known to her she replied "Oh no, it just turned out to be Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty trying to bum a bottle of cider and a couple of fags".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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