London - (Kim Philby Mess): Fears are growing about the fate of some hump-back bottle-nosed wales (sic) stranded in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain after an early summer tidal surge from the nearby Mahiki cocktail lounge deposited the beasts in its balmy, swirling waters.
The feisty little inbreeds were seen thrashing about in the crystal healing pool this weekend, resisting all attempts to bail them out of the sticky mess they have talked themselves into since claiming to be of royal blood.
A Ministry of Defence rescue team were sent to coax them out of the Hype Park water feature but found the fetid pair solidly embedded under a granite-hard wall of resistance.
No amount of cajoling could budge the hybrid specimens as they foraged around for coins, gold necklaces and items of jewellery that moronic tourists had tossed into the stinking sewage-infested cesspit.
A hasty cover story was concocted by Admiralty officials proclaiming young William had been despatched to a Royal Navy submarine to catch feckless Caribbean cocaine smugglers....just like the ones who have bankrolled the entire Duchy of Cornwall fantasy factory since New Labour came into orifice in 1997.
As for Harry's future Zimbabwean father in-law's business activities bankrolling Robert Mugabe's Quantum Fund for Democracy, an MoD spokesman was ashenly dumbstruck when asked to comment today.
Suffice to say that if it wasn't for illicit trade in elephant ivory, blood diamonds and African uranium young Chelsy Davy's voracious spending habits would have seen her behind bars a long, long time ago by now.
Kate Middleton has crabs.
