Harry Van Dieselgaspetrol, a driver for the internet home shopping delivery service operated by a top supermarket, is suing the supermarket over their work practices.
A writ has been issued today to the Cheshunt head office of the retail giant by Mr Dieselgaspetrol's extremely expensive solicitor, Sue Nowinne and Nopai of Kensington.
At a press conference held this morning, Mr Dieselgaspetrol outlined the reason for his legal action. He read out the following, in a monotonous, unconvincing manner, without once raising his head to look at his audience:
"I feel I have been unfairly an unjustly treated by at a time when the company is making profit hand over fist. I take issue with their work practices.
"To explain further.
"They expect me to come to work for 9am, to collect a van, drive it to the food depot, have it filled with food and other items which they sell on-line, and then drive to the customers to deliver it.
"I only get a half-hour break at 11.30, lunch for an hour at 1.30 and a further half-hour break for afternoon tea at 3.45, before I have to take the van back to the depot at 5.30pm and then go home.
"I think it is scandalous in this day and age, expecting me to do a reasonable day's work for a reasonable day's pay, with 2 hours of breaktime included.
"And to add insult to injury, they give me 'every little helps' with a 10% discount on my own shopping.
"I have today issued proceedings in order to get them to treat me more unfairly so that I can then take legal action for unfair employment practices, and thus have something to complain about. All my friends have something to complain about, especially my pal Aga Chakka Khan, who has a bastard of a racist boss who calls him "Jip Patty" all the time. He was able to claim £12,000 compensation.
"What can I claim? Nothing! As it stands at the moment, I have absolutely nothing to complain about, which I think is scandalous.
"My sister worked for that hoity-toity wedding present service that went bust the other week, and she is really fuming, what with no pay for the last 3 months and problems getting a job now because of her age and smell.
"All I want is that they can give me something real to complain aboout, so I can complain to the Unions, complain to the newspapers or even complain to that leggy broad from Watchdog on the telly.
"Thank you."
