Canoe Man's Wife Wished Her Husband HAD Drowned

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 17 July 2008

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Oh yes, she drowned the cats all right, but not her husband, oh no!

Anne Darwin, the wife of 'missing' supposedly drowned canoeist John Darwin, has told a court that she wished he really had drowned, instead of turning up again after 5 years like a bad penny.

Mrs Darwin was giving evidence at Teesside Crown Court, and said that, on four or five occasions since his return, she had thought about drowning him herself whilst he was taking a bath, but she couldn't do it because he was such a domineering husband, and wouldn't have allowed it.

Mrs Darwin's sons were also in court to hear her testimony as to why she lied to them about their father's 5-year disappearance, and also why she hadn't drowned him when she had the chance after he came wandering home again.

Mr Darwin had allegedly had an affair, and told his wife that she was so ugly, he was going to capsize his canoe and drown himself, but when he did, he discovered that he was sitting in only four inches of water, and decided to hide for five years in the empty house next to his own.

Mrs Darwin "had nothing left to live for", and decided to go to Panama, as you do. She was paid £250,000 life insurance in respect of the 'dead' canoeist, part of which she used to buy cats for drowning practice, but still couldn't do it when the crunch came, which she knew it would.

The trial continues.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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