Reginald Hormone, a part-qualified - well one of his arms is the part that is qualified - accountant from Wombwell, near Barnsley has today announced a fool-proof system he has developed for winning the UK National Lottery.
"At first I was very reticent to elucidate," he said, "that is until I had learnt how to spell 'reticent' and 'elucidate'. However, my agent, Benny Hastings, who is related to both the famous former Daily Telegraph editor Max Hastings and the 1066 Battle, told me I had nothing to fear as long as I copyrighted my system and made sure none of the no-win, no-fee legal sharks got hold of it.
"Using a calculator, I worked out that the odds of winning the major prize in the UK Lotto are 14 million to one. Using a complicated numerical integration formula based on a quadratic derivative and combining it with a trignometrical justification in alpha-beta empirical notation, I have been able to predict the choice of numbers I need to make when filling in my coupons.
"By completing 14,000,000 individual and unique Lotto slips, I can reduce the 14,000,000 to 1 odds down to just 1, so I will win.
"I guarantee that this system is foolproof and will guarantee I win the Lotto. My only slight reservation is the 18 months of continual checking through my 14,000,000 tickets to find the winning one."