The UK is officially in the grip of the worst toilet paper shortage in living memory. Government statistics show that in urban areas supplies are down to one sheet for every 100 people.
Rural areas are said to be in an even worse state, with parts of Somerset said to be isolated as a result.
The concern is that people will start to panic and looting could take place. Already in Newcastle scenes of growing unrest have been witnessed. It is thought that as a result of the diet in the region people pass solids far more frequently than their counterparts in the Home Counties.
One Newcastle resident, Mrs Alma Penman said "I've got 15 bairns to think of also. The younger ones just keep shitting all day. How am I gonna cope. We read the Sun newspaper and it just isn't as smooth or as absorbent as a broadsheet."
It is thought that the army may be called in, although given the choice between going to Newcastle or Afghanistan many in the army prefer to take their chances against the Taliban.
In London the Mayor, Boris Johnson, blamed his predecessor for the shortage. "Ken was far too extravagant with toilet paper. All the ticker tape welcomes for foreign left wing luminaries are coming back to bite us in the bum. Or they would do, but the state of my bum at the moment, I don't recommend it".
The advice from experts is too batten down the hatches, cover your rear, grit your teeth and think of England.