Closet Charmin squeezers come out of WC to mourn Mr. Whipple's death

Funny story written by King David

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

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image for Closet Charmin squeezers come out of WC to mourn Mr. Whipple's death
This lonely roll of Charmin misses Mr. Whipple

Thousands of 2-ply Charmin toilet tissue closet squeezers came out today to mourn the death of Mr. Whipple. Mr. Whipple, who was famous for squeezing toilet tissue, died in Hollywood on the set of another commercial yesterday.

Eye witnesses working on the set say that Whipple was eating lunch when he began to choke. An employee at Paramount saw Whipple and began applying the Heimlich maneuver.

"Please don't squeeze Mr. Whipple," his agent cried. "His bones can't take it!"

Too late, Whipple was 91.

It was reported that Mr. Whipple made more than 500 commercials over a 21-year span for Proctology & Scramble, the company that carries the brand name, Charmin'. In most commercials, Whipple has a secret. He is a closet-Charmin squeezer consumed with keeping others from fondling the tissue.

Psychoanalyst, Dr. Sigmund Soda says that Whipple was a classic projectionist, a hoarder of sorts that didn't want anyone else to have fun, but wanted it all to himself.

"His parents and grandparents were probably puritans or German," Dr. Soda said. "He was also the classic, "Do as I say, not as I do" practitioner who descended from a long line of parents who did not encourage their children to masturbate, even though they were probably closet masturbators themselves.

Biographers say that toilet tissue wasn't the only gig for Mr. Whipple. He also played the part of a drunk on several episodes of "Bewitched," appeared as a Nazi prison guard dispensing toilet paper on "Hogan's Heroes" and as a sycophantic wretch on "The Bob Newhart Show."

"We are going to miss Mr. Whipple," one fan commented. "He made it alright for me to poop."

Analysts for the Pew and Charitable Fellows say that Mr. Whipple's influence was far reaching. The man whose alias, someone by the name of Dick Wilson, influenced a generation of squatters and single-handedly wiped all stereotypes of crass materialism off the bottom wrung transforming something mundane, some act as base as squatting into something glorious, or god-like that could be hugged, squeezed, fondled and even loved.

"Mr. Whipple really opened the gate for brand loyalty amongst consumers," said incontinence analyst, Rollin' Depends.

The downside, however, according to Depends was that Americans took it too far and fell too much in love with their brands, using them as leverage, buying status and quite arguably loving them more than their own children.

Case in point--Why then couldn't public schools afford to place Charmin in their toilet dispensers?

Analysts also say that Mr. Whipple made it ok for a generation of young men to become grocery clerks against their parent's admonitions to go to college. His all wise and grandfatherly image also influenced a generation of head coaches in the NFL (No Feely Liberals) who now wear their eye glasses on the end of their noses.

But analysts maintain that no matter how intelligent one looks, the game of football can never be "sanitized" and still remains a brutal spectacle of strength and acceleration that boils down to one man kicking the shit out of another.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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