Marine biologists at Exeter University are developing a new theory for the mass beaching and subsequent deaths of Dolphins off the coast of Falmouth earlier this week. Scientists now suspect a flotilla of faeces discharged from a facility in Southampton and carried on strong currents through the channel was to blame.
The discharge contained some unusually large floaters that can be traced back to Haslemere, home of the Shanks Higher Institute of Turd Studies who hosted the borders league curry competition finals last weekend.
The slurry from Surrey caused disgusted Dolphins to head for the beaches and wait for the poos to pass. Unfortunately for the frightened flippers, the shock of watching an 18-inch shit float by at close quarters was too much for many, who subsequently died.
Julie Armitage, principal of the Shanks institute defended the decision to carry out research on live turds, arguing that the benefits to mankind outweighed the risks to marine wildlife.