Former Prime Minister Tony Blair today announced that he was setting up a new religion.
Speaking from his coal-miner's cottage in Sedgefield, Mr. Blair said: 'Yes, today I am launching a new world religion, the Church Of Saint Anthony of Blair, and welcome all new converts to join this wonderful faith.'
When asked what his religion actually stands for, he answered: 'Firstly, to show our Christian basis, we immediately call for attacks on countries in the Middle East for no reason whatsoever, except to make sure that hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians are made homeless or killed, and hopefully killed. Secondly, to prove our righteousness, we intend to lie and cheat about imaginary threats from such countries, to give us an excuse to invade them and to steal their assets. And thirdly, we intend to either fund or at least ignore other evil mass-murdering dictators across the world, thus showing our compassion and decency for all human beings.'
When asked why he didn't just call his religion a colonial killing machine that does whatever the American President tells it to, Mr. Blair looked a bit uneasy and changed the subject. 'Look, chaps, you know, it's not what we do, exactly, it's more the general feeling that we're doing the wrong things for a vague sort of right reason, which is to make Americans richer.'
Others were critical of Blair's new religion, and one anonymous source, who we'll call Mr. P. Opepius, said: 'Hey, our religion has the copyright on massacring civilians for money, watch it Blair, or the Inquisition boys will be after you!'
But President George W. Bush will be the Church's first new member - as a devout Christian, he's already been responsible for thousands of deaths in the Middle East, and will be a valuable asset to the new religion.
Mr. Blair himself denied there were any contradictions in his religion, one claiming to be about peace and love and forgiveness, but also one that will condemn whole countries and their leaders to death, using modern technology to turn the Middle East into a bloodbath.
'Look', he said, getting a bit angry, 'stop complicating things! I'm a goodie, I speak nicely, it wasn't me, mummy, honest!' But his wife, Cherie Blair QC, said 'Oh for heaven's sake shut up, Tony, nobody believes all your crap, just get on with doing the dishes, before calling for more deaths in Aghanistan!'
The Knights Templar were too busy slaughtering Arabs to comment, but martyred Christians will be turning in their graves listening to Mr. Blair's nonsense.
