Announcing 200 first quarter profits of £142 billion + WAT (Welsh Added Tax), supermarket giant Sainsburys claim they have achieved this profit despite having increased food prices by only 2% during the period.
Sainsburys say the less than generous Nectar loyalty programme they are prime movers in, where customers have to spend at least £4000 to qualify for even just a Biro - and even then it tends to be a cheap Chinese imitation - has been partially helpful.
But company spokesman, Dutchman Ruiin De Localtrade explains in more detail:
"Although we continue to make excessively obscene profits and stymie local shopping by opening Sainsbury Local stores everywhere, we have managed to keep the latest increases in food prices down to a reasonable level.
"Of course, you will appreciate this doesn't mean we keep the prices of the other crap we sell down. For example, toilet tissue, pot noodles and pet food are still over-priced, and the reliable vanity, fashion and beauty products are as expensive as ever. We join with manufacturers in ensuring we have an adequate range of high-priced, premium rubbish - fabric conditioners, plug in air fresheners that work automatically to ensure the product is used up more quickly, Nikki Clarke shampoo that is really no better than 99p Vosene - products designed exclusively to part women from their money.
"But there has to be an element of threat or even trying to bar certain suppliers in our endeavours to keep our purchase price as distant as possible from our selling price.
"And of course, as we help high street retailers retire by buying their premises, we can also be exclusive National lottery agents and rake in a fortune in commission from winning tickets.
"While we want to make as much profit as we can, we do want to give the customer the best value, even if it means we have give Asda, Tesco and Morrisons a good kicking in the teeth while we're at it, or even unleash our special weapon, "The Oliver", which brings people to submission in no time, without the use of voilence.
"We are only glad there aren't more M&S or Waitrose stores, as we can't beat them for quality, but nevertheless, we are doing our bit for the environment by reducing as many high streets as we can to a desert of Sainsbury Local shops."
Lord Sainsbury is not ashamed of himself.