Corrupt Bastard Irish PM Ahern Says He's Leaving

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

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"Why don't yiz all piss off and leave me alone" - Ahern at todays press conference

Irish corrupt politician Bertie Ahern has announced today that he is retiring from the leadership of the potato-loving country and exiting from political life completely so that he can instead focus on collecting brown envelopes of cash as a full-time 'job'.

The cheeky bastard, who is being investigated for accepting large cash sums from prominent British businessmen in exchange for favors, said his departure has nothing to do with mounting pressure from the media, the public, political parties and his beloved cat Trixie.

"I am leaving for the good of myself", said Ahern during a surprise press conference, "I'm a greedy bastard and I don't have the patience to be wasting my time on the likes of you lot any more [general public]. So instead I'm going full time into the brown envelope business which I enjoy so much."

Tributes have been paid by numerous world leaders.

George Dubya said Ahern was "the cheapest bastard I've ever known. All he ever gave me on St Patrick's Day was a lousy bowl of shamrock. Never paid for a drink. Said to put it on his tab. He didn't even have a tab!".

French leader Carla Bruni said Ahern was "an ugly little man" who "always tried to feel my tits" and "put his grubby hands up my skirt" on state visits.

Zimababwe's ousted former President Robert Mugabe said Ahern was "an inspiration to corrupt leaders the world over".

In fact, the Zimbabwean dictator has announced his desire to take Mr. Ahern's place as Irish leader.

"I'm a fully qualified corrupt bastard", said the gentle giant.


During his tenure in charge of Ireland, Ahern successfully chased leprechauns from the island, re-introduced child slavery and influenced legislation regarding the safe operation of brothels for ugly midgets.

"Farewell, corrupt fucker", was the wording on a hand-painted banner unveiled outside the home of crusading Catholic priest Fr Fergus McCarthy after the announcement.

Elsewhere, shares in brown envelopes have risen dramatically as a result of Ahern's departure.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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