Peg-legged, lawyer-soaking nut-job, Heather Mills, was today threatening further legal action against hapless ex-Beatle and former husband Paul McCartney after a judge published the details of their divorce settlement.
Not content with her £25 million lump sum, luxury homes and child support, the money-grubbing ex-porn star was adamant that McCartney still "owed her big time".
"This is just the beginning," Mills crowed from the steps of the High Court. "I will also be seeking some nice jewellery, a couple of Faberge Eggs, another hundred mil for my landmines charity and an end to world poverty. Oh, and the moon. On a stick."
Sir Paul reportedly countered with an offer of all future royalties from the Frog Chorus plus a lifetime's supply of veggie sausages, but the grasping loon was having none of it.
"Nothing can fully compensate for the mental torture my ex-husband put me through. The endless dreary functions, the moonlit serenades featuring his ghastly new material, the interminable dinner parties with Ringo Starr. Once he even whistled Eleanor Rigby for the duration of my keynote speech at a PETA rally. Can you believe it? Little wonder I'm at my wit's end."
"No. I will not rest until that selfish beast has ripped the moon from its orbit, skewered it onto some large stick device and presented it to me in a pagan ceremony involving a dozen ululating vegans, a naked Richard and Judy and a big bonfire made entirely from copies of The Sun."
