Cash for pubs to become more masturbation-friendly

Funny story written by cheesehoven

Saturday, 23 February 2008

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More long stay toilets needed

The needs of masturbators caught short on the street could be eased with a plan to pay businesses to open their toilets to finger jockeys.

Pubs and restaurants across the UK will be encouraged to open their toilets to those who wish to summon the genie, in exchange for as much as £600 a year.

London's mayor, Ken Livingstone, himself an internationally recognised tosser, has expressed enthusiasm and urged the government to adopt the scheme in order to address a national crisis, while Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who regularly shakes hands with the unemployed in pub toilets and elsewhere, is said to be sympathetic to the idea.

But the British and Commonwealth Toilet Association said the idea is only part of the answer to a serious problem plaguing the nation.

Richard Crapwell, director of the association, said the review of public toilet masturbation by the Department for Communities and Local Government entitled jacking off with dignity should be released early next month.

'Moral duty'

Mr Crapwell said he is concerned that the DCLG is not being forceful enough when it comes to pushing local authorities to fulfil a "moral duty" to offer clean, accessible and hassle-free toilets to keen members of the masturbation community.

"My feeling is it should be more hands on. This is a very jizzed-down attempt to encourage local authorities to act," he said of the government's planned guide.

The scheme to pay local businesses builds on the success among the high-class wankers of Twickenham, where 66 businesses agreed to display window stickers offering their toilets to lovers of Rosy Palm and her five daughters in exchange for £600 a year from Richmond upon Thames council.

Mr Crapwell said that plan worked largely because it was well-marketed and includes finger-strengthening exercises stuck to the toilet doors to help the shy, inexperienced and nervous find the right techniques.

But, he added, the community restaurant scheme should only be "one important tool in the public toilet self-pleasuring armoury".

Last November, Westminster City Council launched the "MonkeySpank" mobile phone service which alerts people to the nearest public toilets.

Texting the word "wank" to the number 80097 prompts a quick-response text with details of the nearest facilities and their opening times.

Mr Crapwell said the lack of public facilities is damaging to commerce, tourism and the country's reputation as being "a nation of wankers" and needs to be addressed well in advance of the hosting the 2012 Finger-Olympic Games, when all the world's greatest tossers come to London.

"Public toilets are vitally important to all fist of fury enthusiasts."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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