Masturbation "to be Olympic sport by 2016"

Written by Simon Cockle

Thursday, 17 January 2008


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A competitor preparing for the sprint.

The IOC has given its strongest hint yet that Masturbation may be introduced at the 2016 games as an official sport. The games' organisation has long been lobbied by those involved in the activity and many now feel that its time has come.

Masturbation is currently the world's third most popular leisure activity behind football and fishing. Many feel that it should be recognised by the IOC and given a place at the world's most illustrious and high-profile sporting event.

Brian O'Nan, the current unofficial "World Champion" Masturbator, has long been an advocate of the activity as an event: "Masturbators put a lot of effort and skill into their sport. Training is arduous and competitors are required to learn an array of techniques and disciplines. All they need are opportunities for hands-on competition".

As yet, it is unclear whether Masturbation would be a Track-and-Field event or not. Currently, Masturbators take part in tests of speed and distance, but accuracy is an important element, too. O'Nan suggests a triathlon-type event: "The ability to Masturbate in water, on a bike and while running would be a real test of the athlete's ability. Crossing the finishing line would be a relief!" He also pointed out that, for the 4x100m relay, male competitors would already have their own batons.

The IOC have put the idea out to consultation and a committee will meet during the next year to discuss the proposal. Jacques Rogge, the current IOC president, described current negotiations over the matter as "fluid".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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