Whitehole, London - (Disaster Mess): A massive governmental security breach has been blamed for the theft of over 25 million child benefit claimants' details from HM Revenue & Customs.
The head of the Serious Fraud Squad branded the fiasco as 'an inside job' by Hellfire Club plants in the Treasury working for the KGB's London area orifice.
"We've been watching them for five years," Supt Dave Sleuthins said today, "ever since Blair managed to get his top IRA snouts into Whitehall as IT advisers working on government coumputer upgrades.
"Gradually they started downloading all the potentially lucrative stuff. Mostly geriatirc NHS patients' details, nothing too dramatic.
"So we began feeding them a few juicy morsels from time just to time to distract them a bit, put them off the scent.
"And then Wilkins from the Anti-Terror's creative department said: 'Why don't we feed them a totally spoof list of child benefit claimants? Bank account details, NI numbers, birth certificates, DNA, blood-type, family address, parents' occupation, etc.'
"That snared them good and proper.
"Soon they started to bite and we were monitoring their entire operational matrix. And at the same time managed to screw over that tosser Darling at the Treasury. And his pathetic dim-witted CEO at HMRC Paul Gray.
"And now we have one helluva double-whammy to bust them with.
"Forget primitive Nigerian email scams demanding money with menaces. Likewise dodgy and dangerous Xmas crack deals from Venezuela masquarading as heavy crude for London buses.
"This scam's been five years in the making and would have creamed off more taxpayers' cash meant for child support than the entire £40 billion Treasury recue package for the Northern Crock Bank!"
An announcement is expected later today.