The health secretary dramatically accused fat people of putting the world at risk. She said that obesity is as dangerous as climate change and terrorism, and that everyone will be weighed to decide if they are obese or not; those who fail could be put into slimming camps.
Junior Minister Polly Tickle Correct said:
"Obesity costs the NHS billions of pounds a year. Fat people also consume more natural resources than the rest of us. For years they've been allowed to get away with their selfish ways. Now it's time for the slimmies to fight back."
Government snatch squads will now round up fat people, force feed them broccoli and asparagus soup and make them spend 3 hours a day doing exercise. They will be detained in slimming camps for 28 days unless they get slim. After 28 days, they will be re-arrested and detained again.
Fat Albert, a nice bloke from Peckham who likes his bangers and mash, said:
"I expect the police to come knocking at my door any minute now. I've had to shred hundreds of recipes in case they're used in evidence against me."
Kommandant Jamie Oliver, put in charge of the newly formed Anti-Obesity Police, said:
"We're targetin' single mums and effin' Americans, because they eat too many burgers. We're encouragin' family 'n friends of fat people to turn 'em in, to save us time 'n money."
Kelvin Mackenzie of the Sun Newspaper applauded the new policy, saying:
"Anything as crypto-fascist as this can only be a good thing. However, we want Scottish people to be rounded up too."