Radical Policy Overhaul

Written by Candice Hitler

Monday, 8 October 2007

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Setting targets and then not meeting them has been the modus operandi of the government over the last decade, however a radical policy overhaul looks set to put paid to this. Among the proposals are:

Decriminalising murder from a class A crime to class C, with special leniency shown to first time offenders.

Reducing the age for purchasing and consuming alcohol to seven to counteract the growing number of underage drinkers.

Closing all hospitals to relieve the stress the NHS is currently under. Medical advice pamphlets will be distributed, outlining everything from administering a bandage to coping with cancer.

Instead of tightening border controls to stem the flow of illegal immigrants, Britain will swap countries for a fortnight every summer so that every human gets a go at being British for a fortnight.

The elderly will be aborted at birth to avoid paying them 23 pence a year extra in fuel allowance.

GCSE exams will be solely on the topics of football/graffiti for boys and text messaging/make up for girls.

All cars with more than two wheels will be 'green taxed' to offset carbon emissions.

Prisons will be voluntary, with a view to merging them with Centre Parks PLC by 2020.

These radical schemes are still under some consideration by a cross section of society still trapped in the governmental think tank. We expect to hear more by Friday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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